Difficult Endings: Death. How do I follow God through this?

My Grandma and Grandpa, years ago... :-)

Do you have anyone close to you?  Do you have anyone close to you that is also close to leaving this world?  Dying?  I do.  My grandmother.  Mom's mom.  Grandma.  She has been struggling with cancer for the last several years but has now reached the point where medicine cannot help her anymore.

I visited her yesterday and shared some very precious time with her.  She had been told a few days before by her oncologist that there was nothing left.  That news was so crushing to her.  Crushing for me too.  My Grandma is only a little while from the eternal.  I have been having a hard time normalizing that in my mind.

This woman is almost like a mother to me in my realm of people that I care about.  She's been there when times had been tough for me.  She's been a cheerleader for my best the whole way through.  She constantly asks me questions about what I am doing and what I am planning on doing.  Questions about how I think about this news story or that person in government.  Questions about my favorite sports teams.  She has promised me that if I ever needed physical help or finances that she and Grandpa would be there for me.  I have been able to trust her to be a safe person to listen to me.  And this wonderful woman is leaving now...

I have been thinking about my own needs coming up, and the needs of my family at home and my larger family.  I have been thinking about my Grandpa and how he might react.  The entire time I have been mulling over the future in my mind I have also been praying.  My wife has been awesome too because she knows how important Grandma is to me and she has blessed me.  But I have relied upon the strength that God gives me to make it through.  Heavily.  I cannot point to a scripture and say that "this Bible passage" helps me.  I do think about what I read in II Corinthians 4:16 which says, "So we do not give up.  Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new every day." (NCV)  Paul writes about how all of us wear down over time.  Although I don't like that fact, I can trust it's true.  But our minds are made new by Christ's graceful gift to us.

So what have I been doing?  Something of everything to be honest.  I feel the desire to hide, to share, to pray, to cry, to shout in anger, to expect the worst, and to tremblingly hope.  She is still here and she still is my Grandma.  All I can do otherwise is trust and have faith that God knows what He is doing and will bring her home before too long.  Please pray for her and for those around her.

Psalm 51: Responsibility and God

Have you ever had a bad day?  Not just a, "Got up on the wrong side of the bed," kind of day but one that truly sucks?  I know I have--many times.  Some have been health-related, out of my control, days.  Like the day I ended up rolling over in a Honda Civic three times with four other guys and survived.  Or the day where I was diagnosed with cancer and spent many, many, many days dealing with and healing from that close-to-death disease.  But none of those days left me with shame like the ones caused by my own decisions and choices.

What do I mean?  When I read through Paul's first letter to Timothy and read these words:

15 What I say is true, and you should fully accept it: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst. 16 But I was given mercy so that in me, the worst of all sinners, Christ Jesus could show that he has patience without limit. His patience with me made me an example for those who would believe in him and have life forever.  (1 Tim 1:15-16 NCV)

Those words really struck a chord in my soul as I read them.  They were written by Paul who was considered to be one of the top leaders in the developing church and yet he still considered himself to be the worst of all sinners--and therefore greatly blessed by God's grace.  I too have felt myself to be someone who has sinned greatly in my life.  There have been many times in my life where I asked myself the question, "Should I do God's work today? Because I just did..." and would go ahead and do it but feeling increased guilt and shame as I did.

Then I heard from someone that God is bigger than we are.  I can't remember his name but I have been greatly affected by that statement.  God is bigger than my mistakes.  God can truly take everything I've done (sinful or not) and work that into the story of His grace for me.  I can take the prayer of King David found in Psalms 51:5-12 (NCV)

⁵ I was brought into this world in sin.
    In sin my mother gave birth to me.

⁶ You want me to be completely truthful,
    so teach me wisdom.
⁷ Take away my sin, and I will be clean.
    Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
⁸ Make me hear sounds of joy and gladness;
    let the bones you crushed be happy again.
⁹ Turn your face from my sins
    and wipe out all my guilt.

¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, God,
    and make my spirit right again.
¹¹ Do not send me away from you
    or take your Holy Spirit away from me.
¹² Give me back the joy of your salvation.
    Keep me strong by giving me a willing spirit.

One of the things that made David a "Man of God" was how willing he was to turn and change when God called him to do that.  He took responsibility for his mistakes. He did not blame others or the situation.  He was by no means a sinless man, but he understood that he had a relationship with the Creator and Redeemer.  I have a model in Scripture that is not perfect, yet still longs for his Savior and wants to work his life in the ways of God.  That's what I want to do too.

I found this picture when doing some research on this blog.  Enjoy!

( I found it here: http://derekbruff.org/blogs/sketchnotes/2017/02/26/passion-psalm-51/ and he has awesome others to check out too!)

Why did I get sick???

I just came back to work after being sick this last weekend.  It was not fun.  I was fairly tired all the time, and queasy, and just wanted to wrap up in warm blankets and go to sleep.  Today I'm still a little sick, but I am trying my best to power through and be productive.  I don't feel good.

So I asked myself this question, "Why would a loving God let me be sick?"  Isn't that a question that we all have from time to time? Often if someone we know is sick--especially when they are REALLY sick.  I am reminded of the Bible verse that says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Phil 4:13)."  So if this is true, why can't I get better?  Or, in my mind, better now rather than later.  Even if I have others pray for me (see James 5:16) I don't always get better in the way I visualize.  So why does God let me be sick?

I have read through the Bible several times over these last many years that I have been in a relationship with Jesus.  I have read many different places where God has allowed people to be sick.  Some were sick because of their choices.  Some were sick because God wanted to glorify Himself through healing them.  Some were sick because it kept them humble.  Some we just don't know why they were sick.

Often we cannot tell why we were sick at a certain time or in a certain place.  I was very sick several

My family and I at the Run of Hope, a
5k designed to raise money to fight brain
cancer in kids.

years ago.  I was diagnosed with cancer.  There are several ways that I am still recovering from that sickness.  And its a burden because the kind of cancer I have does not get "fixed," it just "goes to sleep" and will reappear sometime in the future.  Why did God let me go through that?  Why did that pain and suffering also need to be inflicted on my wife and kids?  For a significant amount of time, it changed how my family interacted and created several things that have been very difficult for me to accept and some that were extremely frustrating for me.

So why?  I still don't know today.  I have heard and spoke with several people who have had cancer, or knew someone close who struggled with cancer.  It may have been related to poor choices I had made in my past.  It may be something God gave me to really humble myself and accept the help of other people in my life--something I desperately needed to learn at the time.  I also ask myself quite often, "Why did I survive this very difficult form of cancer and others fail?"  The truth is that I don't know.  It could be any, or all of, or none of the possibilities listed above.

There is a piece of Scripture that gives me some peace in my heart:

"7 So that I would not become too proud of the wonderful things that were shown to me, a painful physical problem[b] was given to me. This problem was a messenger from Satan, sent to beat me and keep me from being too proud. 8 I begged the Lord three times to take this problem away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.” So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ’s power can live in me. 10 For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong."  2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NCV)

Paul was a servant of the Lord that did many mighty deeds through the power Christ gave him, and he still became ill and God wouldn't heal him of that affliction.  Despite all the churches he started, despite all the prayers he prayed and people he healed, God did not heal him.  The encouraging line in this passage is "When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you." I have come to value the times where I struggle and need to rely on the strength of God to make it through.  I won't say that they were fun times.  But they were times of growth for me, and a pattern of faith I can show other people.

So will I ever know the answer to why was I sick?  Probably not.  Am I okay with that?  Yes, because my God's power is made perfect in my weaknesses.

Centering Prayer...a hug from God?

Centering Prayer?

I've been reading a book called Sacred Pathways written by Gary Thomas and have thoroughly enjoyed it.  Here is a quote of one of the things I have enjoyed from his book:

"The purpose of centering prayer is not to cultivate feelings or create a 'spiritual experience'; it  is sumply to rest in and enjoy the blessed presence of God.  For those who question this, we need merely to look to the human example.  The deepest kind of love is often that wich allows you to rest in another's presence with out saying or doing anything, just enjoy being together.  If a husband can feel this way with his wife, or a sister with her sibling, or a mother with her infant, why can't Christians enjoy this with the God?"  (p. 199) 

What I've enjoyed is how he has gone through different styles of how we worship the Lord.  We each have certain ways and things that draw us closer to God and he goes through each one.  I found this quote in the chapter on "Contemplatives."  I really enjoyed how he connected this with the human experience.  When he wrote the part about the parent with a child I totally pictured myself cuddling my youngest daughter this morning and simply enjoying being there with her.  Nothing else on my mind but enjoying our presence together.  Then I connected that situation with God and imagined how amazing that is to be in that place.

In truth, centering prayer is not something that you do.  It's more of something you don't do.  You stay focused on God and use words to redirect yourself back to Him.  I know that my own mind races too fast to control at times--especially when I need to focus on something specific.  It's like that moment in the movie "Up" where the group of dogs see a squirrel and totally lose track of their conversation.  We use the word to bring us back to the focus on God's presence because that is why we're praying this way: to simply enjoy the presence of our God, our Lord, our Creator, our Savior, our Spirit.  We are simply seeking to be in His presence and allow Him to speak to us and guide our prayers.

It's like seeking a big, warm hug from our Father in Heaven.  He created us.  He planned for us.  He loves us.  Like his kiddos, we can seek to be in his presence and just enjoy that.

Best friends can hug...

Little kids can hug...

Father and son can hug...

Even monkies can hug!

 Let's go get a hug!

Peace!

 I remember waaaaaaaay back to my days in school.  Specifically, elementary school.  What I remember is that they told us to use the sign on the right side of this blog to be quiet.  They told us it meant we needed to be quiet.  If we weren't quiet they would come up and be more forceful and less polite as they asked us to be quiet.  Seemed at odds with what the sign meant even more years back.  In fact, when I was younger, seeing those pictures I wondered why they were always telling people to be quiet.  When I was older I found out that it was actually the peace sign that you could take with you.  Wow, huh?

Peace, what does it mean to you?  I know that over the years it has meant different things.  To someone in the time of Edgar Allen Poe, it meant to be calm and quiet.  To those in the 60's, it was part of a movement which wanted the wars to stop and people to be nice to one another (hence the hand and circle signs).  To us, it means different things even today.  So, what does "peace" mean to you?

My own definition of peace has changed over the years.  It started as being a boring time where I wasn't supposed to do anything or to speak.  Later I thought of it as some sort of hippy nonsense that didn't mean anything in today's world.  When I was older and working I wanted "peace" to fall over those gathered with me and so that they'd quiet down.  Most recently I have had a fundamental shift as to its meaning in my life.

For me now, peace is not something that I can make or give.  It is a certainty that God has a great love for me and that he has things planned out, all I need to do is trust Him the best that I can.  Peace is a calming, overwhelming sense of security, regardless of what is going on or happening.  Peace is knowing that whatever I face, God wins (and through my relationship with Him so do I).  It is awesome to experience that kind of peace.  It is something that no person, city, government, or country can truly provide.  It is only available through God and your relationship with Him.  I have thought that peace was just an emotion or an action to complete. I am glad that it comes from God through Jesus' self-sacrifice empowered by the Holy Spirit.  God keep me in your peace.

Philippians 4:6-7
 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Running for the Lord...Yeah!

Running is something that I remember being very fun!  I ran Cross Country and Track in high school and enjoyed the conversations I had with others during workouts.  I remember the challenge that the meets would bring and working hard to overcome them.  I remember working as a team on the relay race and striving hard with others to win.  I would say that running was very satisfying overall.

So imagine my surprise a number of years ago when I was reading the Bible and saw the part where Paul talked about people running.

"You know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize. So run to win! All those who compete in the games use self-control so they can win a crown. That crown is an earthly thing that lasts only a short time, but our crown will never be destroyed. So I do not run without a goal. I fight like a boxer who is hitting something—not just the air. I treat my body hard and make it my slave so that I myself will not be disqualified after I have preached to others." 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 https://www.bible.com/bible/105/1CO.9.24-27

"You know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize. So run to win! All those who compete in the games use self-control so they can win a crown. That crown is an earthly thing that lasts only a short time, but our crown will never be destroyed. So I do not run without a goal. I fight like a boxer who is hitting something—not just the air. I treat my body hard and make it my slave so that I myself will not be disqualified after I have preached to others." 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 NCV

Reading this passage reminded me of all the time I'd spent running and the satisfaction I received from it.  At the time I was still quite proud of my abilities as a runner and so automatically equated that with my faith (rather than looking at my faith and using running as an encouragement or measure).  Later I was to find out that I had been thinking about it in the wrong direction.

When you train for something it is easy to think of the things that you "DO" in order to get ready.  But even with all the "DOs" that are available, we have to also think of the "DON'Ts"  Just as a runner needs to do certain exercises to build muscle, there are certain things that they shouldn't so as well.  Like, eat nothing but junk food.

So looking at my faith through the lens of running there is a word that comes to my mind: discipline.  Which freaked me out a little at first.  The first question that came to my mind was, "Didn't Jesus die so that I don't have to pay attention to the 'rules'?"  What I wasn't looking for were more rules to follow in my life.  I'd failed there too many times.  But I found out that that wasn't what God wanted for me either.  He wanted me to discipline my self.  Discipline can be explained as an "activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training."  He wanted me to learn the things that help change who I think I am into the person that He created me to be.

One of the disciplines that I had to learn was making excuses to justify where I was or what I had just done.  In fact, I had done it so much, so frequently, so automatically, that I didn't even realize most of the time that I was doing it.  Today, I had been reading a devotional and came across this statement:

"Shedding excuses is a discipline that must be practiced with our thoughts, communication, and actions. There is only room for language that declares: I will! Growth occurs when we confront our personal experiences and how they’ve changed us."  Ref.

One of the cool things about loving Jesus is the fact that he erases the troubles of our past.  So despite the past I've lived, I can have a brand-new start in life!  How awesome is that?  But one of the challenges of this is the fact that I have trained myself over the years to respond to things in certain ways.  Like making excuses for myself.

What I've learned about things like excuse-making is that you have to add these to your life with God.  I need to confess that I keep trying to go back to the old ways.  I've asked Him to remove these things from my way of acting and my life, and I have to keep myself in that place or they will sneak back in.  It's like snacking on high-sugar snacks--they only disrupt my energy production and make me fat.  Tough situation for a runner.   Tough situation for my relationship with God who wants to see me change and grow.  It is not easy, but necessary.  It needs a focus as well, so I will "fight like a boxer who is hitting something—not just the air (v.26b)."

So here is my goal: to train as a runner would in my faith in Jesus.  It will require me to do certain things and to not do others.  I am not doing this to follow rules, but instead to be fit as I can be as I run this race of life.  I will fall and fail--but I have the Holy Spirit there to pick me up and run with me as well!  So, I am now running for the Lord!  Yeah!

Which way to go?

A few months ago I was asked about what I felt called to do in my life.  For some reason, this question stumped me upon hearing it.  I didn't have an automatic answer.  There was no, "I am already doing it."  Nor was there an, "I wish I was doing this..."  I sat there and said, "Huh?" instead.  How does one really answer this question without becoming glib in reply?

While thinking about this I remembered a story that a speaker told once during one of his talks.  He stated that we all have two dogs inside us.  We keep them and are responsible for feeding them and giving them time to exercise.  He labeled them the Black Dog and the White Dog. (You can use whatever designation you wish for this in your own life...)  He told us that how we feed them is through the things that we choose to do in our lives.  When we choose positive things we feed the White Dog.  When we choose negative things we feed the Black Dog.   He used this story to tell us about the choices that we make in our lives.  We choose who to feed.

Which dog to feed?  White or Black?  They don't like each other and will fight to get us to choose
things that would feed them and starve the other. You see you can only feed one at a time and the other starves.  Over time the strongest, most well-fed dog will tell the choices we make in our lives.

But how can I tell which dog I am feeding?  How can I tell which actions feed the White or Black dog?  I know that personally, I tend to seek to choose things that please myself.  I will do positive things in my life but ultimately I choose the ones that make me happy.  Which I have found leads me down into a spiral of death.  Because at first, I choose things that are fairly good. But then after time, the degree of good vs. bad in my choices becomes more and more about me and less about others in my life.  It is a spiral down away from other people and from God.

So how do I know what to choose?

17This is what the Lord says—
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
“I am the Lord your God,
who teaches you what is good for you
and leads you along the paths you should follow. (Isaiah 48:17 NCV)

You see I have found that the quality of my relationship with Jesus does affect the choices that I make.  The one place that I have found to be an undeniable source of good choices to make is the Bible.  But even here I still mess up.  So, in the end, I have only to trust in God to lead me.   Without Him, I consistently choose things that aren't the best.  But God loves me enough to choose the best things.  These can be painful at times, but they help me grow!  Just like an athlete practices, breaking down their muscles as they go (1 Cor 9:25), so too do we break things as we go and God turns them into blessings in ways that only he knows how to.  How amazing!

So, which dog are you going to feed in your life?  And how will you know the best choices to make?  Feed the dog that God loves and move out of your love for Him.

We all want "safety," right?

"We all want 'safety,' right?  I have been thinking about this question for quite a long time.  It is a desire that I have especially for my kids.  I look at each one of them and hold them so precious that I want them protected and safe.

We want the things that we love in life to remain safe and undisturbed.  I want the ability to send my kids out to play and not worry about them getting hurt, or kidnapped, or even hurt by friends.  I want them to be safe and unmolested.  I want the things that I build or decorate to remain as is and not be vandalized.  I want to sing and not have my song interrupted by someone else.  I want all that I have to do to not challenge or confront me.

I view life as a place where I am a monkey that always has friends and bananas ready when I want them.  Heaven on Earth, right? Want to join me?

However, I have also found in life that I don't grow or change without challenges.

But how can I let the things I love venture out into places where safety may not even be possible?  Can I really let go of even myself and go out in those areas too?  Should I not have rules and regulations that keep me safe?

What immediately comes to mind is the playgrounds where I've taken my kids to go and have some fun.  I don't know if you've noticed that for a number of years our playgrounds have become more and more protected.  I know that I have.  For me, this has not been a good thing.  It seems that they are making the play stuff so safe that fun is being wrung out.  I think about growing up and using swings that were probably 20 feet tall.  Swinging hard and then jumping off, smiling the whole time!  Yet today's swings sets are barely 8 feet tall--if that.  I remember jumping off and hurting myself--and using the experience as a lesson so that next time I can do it better.  Today we are so worried about getting sued that we opt for safety.

How far is my desire to be safe changing who God has created me to be?  If safety is my goal, then I become someone who would go around with a notepad and pen, writing down things that I deem unsafe.  I would put down those around me who allowed or caused things to not be safe--even telling them to change what they do.  I would have a list of rules a mile long that I feel everyone should know and follow.  I would become what they call these people in the Bible: Pharisee.  How often, even in today's world do we tread that path in some way at some time?

I have been convinced through conversations that I have had with people and connecting that with what I've read in the Bible.  Safety comes with problems that I have no power to correct.  It even may be a wrong manner of living.  Security is something that is promised to all of us.  Something that we should expect from the Lord.  Yet, that security is not the same as safety.

Security, what is that?  For me, it's trusting that the all-powerful God has promised me that I am His and will always be protected by him.  I know ultimately where I will end up: heaven, in His presence!  So then the question I have for myself is, why then do I fear what might happen to me here and now?

What do I need to do next?  I have realized that at times I want safety more than I want God's provision.  I want to feel good rather than experience the wonder that God can accomplish in my life and the lives of those around me.  I focus on good enough rather than seek and ask God for His best.  So what to do?  It may be different for you, but I am learning more and more about my relationship with Jesus.  I am facing uncertain situations knowing that God will keep me secure and have been trying to let go of my anxiety and fear of what could happen.  I will be looking for more opportunities to be a blessing in the lives of those around me and go places where I know that will be the case.

Only when I trust God do I come closer to knowing Him more fully.  Only when I trust will I experience the miracle of being one of His. As the Bible says:

"I am the Lord your God,
who holds your right hand,
and I tell you, ‘Don’t be afraid.
I will help you.’" Isaiah 41:13 (NCV)

Let us allow God to help us!