Difficult Endings: Death. How do I follow God through this?

My Grandma and Grandpa, years ago... :-)

Do you have anyone close to you?  Do you have anyone close to you that is also close to leaving this world?  Dying?  I do.  My grandmother.  Mom's mom.  Grandma.  She has been struggling with cancer for the last several years but has now reached the point where medicine cannot help her anymore.

I visited her yesterday and shared some very precious time with her.  She had been told a few days before by her oncologist that there was nothing left.  That news was so crushing to her.  Crushing for me too.  My Grandma is only a little while from the eternal.  I have been having a hard time normalizing that in my mind.

This woman is almost like a mother to me in my realm of people that I care about.  She's been there when times had been tough for me.  She's been a cheerleader for my best the whole way through.  She constantly asks me questions about what I am doing and what I am planning on doing.  Questions about how I think about this news story or that person in government.  Questions about my favorite sports teams.  She has promised me that if I ever needed physical help or finances that she and Grandpa would be there for me.  I have been able to trust her to be a safe person to listen to me.  And this wonderful woman is leaving now...

I have been thinking about my own needs coming up, and the needs of my family at home and my larger family.  I have been thinking about my Grandpa and how he might react.  The entire time I have been mulling over the future in my mind I have also been praying.  My wife has been awesome too because she knows how important Grandma is to me and she has blessed me.  But I have relied upon the strength that God gives me to make it through.  Heavily.  I cannot point to a scripture and say that "this Bible passage" helps me.  I do think about what I read in II Corinthians 4:16 which says, "So we do not give up.  Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new every day." (NCV)  Paul writes about how all of us wear down over time.  Although I don't like that fact, I can trust it's true.  But our minds are made new by Christ's graceful gift to us.

So what have I been doing?  Something of everything to be honest.  I feel the desire to hide, to share, to pray, to cry, to shout in anger, to expect the worst, and to tremblingly hope.  She is still here and she still is my Grandma.  All I can do otherwise is trust and have faith that God knows what He is doing and will bring her home before too long.  Please pray for her and for those around her.

"Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL."

Dave Bowman

HAL

Ever have one of those moments when it seems like everything and everyone are against you?  One of those times when it feels like there is someone out there making things happen and that they might be watching you...  Well in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey the character Dave Bowman was in that particular setting and didn't find that out until he was floating outside the spaceship, locked out by his defective AI computer.  He starts by requesting, "Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL." Which is then followed by HAL's response of, "I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

I know what it feels like to be in that place.  Well, not in the "locked out of a spaceship, floating in space, and need to knock out a defective AI" place exactly.  I have been in that place where you feel like your options are zero and you wonder what else could go wrong.  So what do you do at this point?

You could do any number of things:

1. Find a corner and hide there.
2. Create a racket and let everyone else know of your problems and things you can't do.
3. Belittle those around you and make yourself feel better.
4. Put on your steely gaze and pretend that there is no problem.
5. Jump out of your spaceship with no helmet on (example from 2001...)

Actually, I would personally recommend none of the above.  What we need to do at this point is to surrender ourselves and our problems to God.  We need to be within His embrace as we move forward.  I have found that often the answer is not so much what do we do, but who do we cling to?  There is such a warmth and peace present in God's presence.  There is a feeling that no matter what happens next, I am being watched over by the Father, in the grace of the Son, and will go forward through the power of the Holy Spirit.

This isn't a form of hiding or fighting.  It is a recognition that whatever will come next, will need to be faced in the arms of God.  Whether God moves me to hide, fight, flee, or dance and praise His name I need His power to do that.  I can (and have, far too frequently) tried to step out on my own.  The phrase, "I got this..." ran through my mind each time.  What goes through your mind when you are in this situation?  How often has it ended out worse than better?  For me, it ended in greater pain and trouble than I started with.  But is changed when I accepted that I need God in everything.  Everything.  What about you?

I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength.  Philippians 4:13 (NCV)

“I know that you can do all things and that no plan of yours can be ruined."  Job 42:2 (NCV)

He prayed, “Abba, Father! You can do all things. Take away this cup of suffering. But do what you want, not what I want.”  Mark 14:36 (NCV)

"God, I am here today and I need you.  Come to my side right now and let me know that you are here.  Be with me and share your voice and peace as I wonder and fear and hurt and want to lash out.  I don't know what to do, but you do.  Please help me to do what I should and not what feels comfortable to me.  I rely on you, utterly and ultimately.  Amen."

Frustration!!! What point is there anyway?

Ever feel frustrated?  I know that I do all the time!  It can be something humongous and complicated or tiny and small.  I have experienced a range of frustrations through my life.  How close that guy was when he cut in front of me in traffic this morning (like just missed my bumper!).  The tone of my wife's voice when she's relating something to me.  Being told that as I continue to grow older my body will be performing less and less as well than it used to--and there is nothing that I can do about that.  Things can really frustrate me, sometimes even to the point where it stops me from progressing onward.

So what am I feeling when I am frustrated?  I have been somewhat surprised to note that I feel many

Sometimes, right???

different feelings when I am frustrated.  I expected frustration to be some form of anger set on a low simmering heat, kind of like the sidewalks in Arizona in the summertime.  But that's not all there is to frustration.  There can be an air of melancholy desperation that causes me to be sad and want to just quit.  There can be the feeling of sinking in quicksand and being stuck, unable to get yourself out.  Frustration rears its ugly head when you are at a point where you cannot see a possibility of changing the situation that you're in.

So how have I learned to deal with frustration? I used to push all my feelings away and just try to disappear from the situation.  I used to try to control the situation, and the people, and how everyone felt about what was going on.  Even still today I still find myself trying to react like I used to: either disappear or use others.  But I have found a different path that I wanted to explore.

What I have found to be my most effective antidote to the clinging cancer of frustration is to know that there is actually a way out.  Whether it would come from me, another person, or God Himself; I need to know that there is a solution.  But how do I come to that knowledge?  It sure isn't easy--I definitely had found that I floundered in frustration's continuous grasp way too often.  When I am frustrated I often get too emotional to hear the truth or make changes in my behavior.  But the truth is what I need to have in my hands in order to break that grasp.




Here's what I have found helpful to find the truth in my situations in life:

1. Ask myself what I am feeling right at that moment.  Then I explore why I am feeling that way.
2. Ask myself what I am thinking.  Does that match my feelings?
3. Look for truth in my feelings and accept them.  Then let go of the things that aren't true.
4. Look for ways that I can follow in order to relieve myself of my frustration.
1. Sometimes I need to actually do something and not just sit there thinking about my frustration.  Am I afraid or angry?  Hungry or tired?  Lonely?  Do I just need to stand up and do my part?
2. Sometimes I need to ask someone else to help me.  This is probably the hardest thing for me to do, personally.  It can add frustration upon frustration if I am not careful.
3. Finally, there are times where there is nothing that I can do, nothing that other people can do, only God can find an answer or solution for me.  This is not a form of giving up, it is ultimately surrendering everything to God and trusting in him.

I have found these verses helpful when I am at the place where trusting God is what I need to do, what I am called to, what I must do:

33 “I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble, but be brave! I have defeated the world.” John 16:33 (NCV)

7 Give all your worries to him, because he cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7 (NCV)

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

11 "I say this because I know what I am planning for you,” says the Lord. “I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future. 12 Then you will call my name. You will come to me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will search for me. And when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me!" Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NCV)

2 My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, 3 because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. 4 Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need. 5 But if any of you needs wisdom, you should ask God for it. He is generous to everyone and will give you wisdom without criticizing you. James 1:2-5 (NCV)

I have found peace in these Bible passages when I read through them.  And there are more!  The Bible has many passages that teach us how to accept where we are and then move forward.  Often though I have found that the only thing I need to move is myself--trusting in myself never works as well as trusting God.

Peace!

 I remember waaaaaaaay back to my days in school.  Specifically, elementary school.  What I remember is that they told us to use the sign on the right side of this blog to be quiet.  They told us it meant we needed to be quiet.  If we weren't quiet they would come up and be more forceful and less polite as they asked us to be quiet.  Seemed at odds with what the sign meant even more years back.  In fact, when I was younger, seeing those pictures I wondered why they were always telling people to be quiet.  When I was older I found out that it was actually the peace sign that you could take with you.  Wow, huh?

Peace, what does it mean to you?  I know that over the years it has meant different things.  To someone in the time of Edgar Allen Poe, it meant to be calm and quiet.  To those in the 60's, it was part of a movement which wanted the wars to stop and people to be nice to one another (hence the hand and circle signs).  To us, it means different things even today.  So, what does "peace" mean to you?

My own definition of peace has changed over the years.  It started as being a boring time where I wasn't supposed to do anything or to speak.  Later I thought of it as some sort of hippy nonsense that didn't mean anything in today's world.  When I was older and working I wanted "peace" to fall over those gathered with me and so that they'd quiet down.  Most recently I have had a fundamental shift as to its meaning in my life.

For me now, peace is not something that I can make or give.  It is a certainty that God has a great love for me and that he has things planned out, all I need to do is trust Him the best that I can.  Peace is a calming, overwhelming sense of security, regardless of what is going on or happening.  Peace is knowing that whatever I face, God wins (and through my relationship with Him so do I).  It is awesome to experience that kind of peace.  It is something that no person, city, government, or country can truly provide.  It is only available through God and your relationship with Him.  I have thought that peace was just an emotion or an action to complete. I am glad that it comes from God through Jesus' self-sacrifice empowered by the Holy Spirit.  God keep me in your peace.

Philippians 4:6-7
 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

We all want "safety," right?

"We all want 'safety,' right?  I have been thinking about this question for quite a long time.  It is a desire that I have especially for my kids.  I look at each one of them and hold them so precious that I want them protected and safe.

We want the things that we love in life to remain safe and undisturbed.  I want the ability to send my kids out to play and not worry about them getting hurt, or kidnapped, or even hurt by friends.  I want them to be safe and unmolested.  I want the things that I build or decorate to remain as is and not be vandalized.  I want to sing and not have my song interrupted by someone else.  I want all that I have to do to not challenge or confront me.

I view life as a place where I am a monkey that always has friends and bananas ready when I want them.  Heaven on Earth, right? Want to join me?

However, I have also found in life that I don't grow or change without challenges.

But how can I let the things I love venture out into places where safety may not even be possible?  Can I really let go of even myself and go out in those areas too?  Should I not have rules and regulations that keep me safe?

What immediately comes to mind is the playgrounds where I've taken my kids to go and have some fun.  I don't know if you've noticed that for a number of years our playgrounds have become more and more protected.  I know that I have.  For me, this has not been a good thing.  It seems that they are making the play stuff so safe that fun is being wrung out.  I think about growing up and using swings that were probably 20 feet tall.  Swinging hard and then jumping off, smiling the whole time!  Yet today's swings sets are barely 8 feet tall--if that.  I remember jumping off and hurting myself--and using the experience as a lesson so that next time I can do it better.  Today we are so worried about getting sued that we opt for safety.

How far is my desire to be safe changing who God has created me to be?  If safety is my goal, then I become someone who would go around with a notepad and pen, writing down things that I deem unsafe.  I would put down those around me who allowed or caused things to not be safe--even telling them to change what they do.  I would have a list of rules a mile long that I feel everyone should know and follow.  I would become what they call these people in the Bible: Pharisee.  How often, even in today's world do we tread that path in some way at some time?

I have been convinced through conversations that I have had with people and connecting that with what I've read in the Bible.  Safety comes with problems that I have no power to correct.  It even may be a wrong manner of living.  Security is something that is promised to all of us.  Something that we should expect from the Lord.  Yet, that security is not the same as safety.

Security, what is that?  For me, it's trusting that the all-powerful God has promised me that I am His and will always be protected by him.  I know ultimately where I will end up: heaven, in His presence!  So then the question I have for myself is, why then do I fear what might happen to me here and now?

What do I need to do next?  I have realized that at times I want safety more than I want God's provision.  I want to feel good rather than experience the wonder that God can accomplish in my life and the lives of those around me.  I focus on good enough rather than seek and ask God for His best.  So what to do?  It may be different for you, but I am learning more and more about my relationship with Jesus.  I am facing uncertain situations knowing that God will keep me secure and have been trying to let go of my anxiety and fear of what could happen.  I will be looking for more opportunities to be a blessing in the lives of those around me and go places where I know that will be the case.

Only when I trust God do I come closer to knowing Him more fully.  Only when I trust will I experience the miracle of being one of His. As the Bible says:

"I am the Lord your God,
who holds your right hand,
and I tell you, ‘Don’t be afraid.
I will help you.’" Isaiah 41:13 (NCV)

Let us allow God to help us!

Perfect Love?

1 John 4:18

I have been reading a book on "Daring Greatly" by Brené Brown which is a calling to leave a life of fear and step out into a life filled with risk and intimacy.  It has hit me in many different places as I have read it.  You see, I am a man filled with anxiety and fear.  I grew up that way.  At times I have viewed my "cool as a cucumber" disconnectedness as a benefit or strength in myself.  However, recently I found myself isolated and friendless.  Ouch.

It's interesting that we often view our "defenses" as strengths.  I viewed my self-isolation as a way of keeping myself free and safe.  Yet it hurts my family because as I isolate myself from specific things, I eventually find reasons to isolate from everybody--whether or not I really wanted to.

One of the things that I keep remembering as I have been trying to fight my own self-view and mode of acting is that with my relationship with Christ I gain a very important, very powerful, very loving friend.  But I need to open up and not isolate myself from Him.  Which honestly opens me up to do the same with those around me too.  Scary!  I desire intimacy with Jesus greatly.  I want to know the plans God has for me.  I want to be saved from my mistakes.  I want someone who unconditionally loves me as exactly who I am.  God provided us with His Son for that very reason.  But I am in a practice of putting up a wall between myself and others.

"18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18 (NIV)

I have struggled with this scripture because it says that perfect love drives out fear.  But I can't do that.  I can't love anyone perfectly.  Not random people.  Not my lovely wife.  Not even myself.  I have found deep in myself a sense of perfectionism that tells me that if I can't do something perfectly, then I just need to "hang it up and go home."  I felt like I was missing the point.  Would God call me to love perfectly?  He should know better than anyone that I can't do that.  So for a long part of my life, I pushed this scripture aside.

The answer is that I did miss the point.  When I am in a relationship with Jesus Christ I do not rely upon what I can or can't do.  I do not rely on my ability to forgive others.  I do not rely on my wisdom to see me through.  I have sinned and he has taken the penalty of that sin from me.  During a sermon that I was listening to, I also realized that I don't love with my own love.  Instead, I receive love from God and love with that.  God's love is a perfect love.

In today's world, I can find much to hate.  The media constantly shows me how the leaders and citizens of the world are broken people.  My response seems to be hate towards those that are causing the pain and suffering of others.  I want the military of my country to go out and punish those who are terrorists.  I want to be protected from possible nuclear war.  I want the police to catch those who hurt people in my own area.  But all of that is positioned in my own sense of hatred--which is lined with my fear.

I remember this quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.:

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." (Ref)

Take that with the passage from 1 John 4:18.  That means that God's love is what drives the hate of the world out.  God's love drives my hate of others out.  God's love drives my hate of myself out.

The only thing that I need to do is to take a very risky step.  I have to open myself up and allow God to be intimate with me.  I need to accept His love.  And based on His love for me I need to open myself up to others.  Easy peasy, right?