Choice or circumstances?

I am personally faced with a question in my life.  Am I where I am today because of my circumstances or choices?  What do you think?  Today I am blogging a little differently.  I have picked out some pictures that talk about this question from some different perspectives.  Please comment your thoughts below.  Thanks!

"Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary."

Extraordinary?  Am I someone who is extraordinary?  Well...the truth is yes and no.  What do I mean?  I am not someone who is making world-wide changes or has tremendous influence or has any superpowers.  But I am extra-ordinary in a different sense of the term.  I am a person who is loved by God and has come to realize that increasingly day after day.

I have always been a fan of watching Robin Williams movies.  The one that really caught me when I was younger and then rebirthed interest when I was in college was "Dead Poet's Society" where he played a younger teacher who captivates the imaginations of his class and at one time has them all standing on their desks quoting "Oh Captain, my Captain."  At another point in the movie, he teaches the meaning of carpe diem.  He says to them in the hallway by the trophies and pictures of those in the past, "Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary."

We are so influenced by the teachers and the encouragement we have has as we grew up.  In fact, I was talking with a long-time best friend this morning about how our kids have been affected by the teachers that they have had.  Both of us had a child with a terrible first-grade experience and watched smart kids take a major hit.  But then both kids have had great teaching following that and we have both been blessed by a rejuvenation of teaching that re-equipped them to enjoy school and learning!  Way to go to all awesome teachers out there, who recognize differences and take steps to help all the kids in their classes.

So what are the bad influences in your life?  Anyone can be a significant influence on your life.  Parents are a definite influence.  So are teachers and other authority figures in your life. Friends alter and change who you are as you live in the world.  Even people you don't like or even don't really know can be a significant influence on you.  For me, there was one boy I knew since kindergarten that made a comment about me in high school that has persisted in how I think about myself to this day.  But, I have since been able to teach myself how to deal with that.

So, how did I deal with these influences in our lives? First, I need to recognize that my life is being impacted by those influences.  Second, I also need to understand that you are the one responsible for the choices I have made then and even now.  Third, I need an awesome mentor or friend to help me retrain yourself.

But what does that mean to me?  I have friends, don't I?  Probably yes, but perhaps not a real friend though.  Not in the close, awesome, kind of friend I mentioned earlier.  A real friend or mentor is someone that I have come to find that I can share anything with and know that they will listen honestly to me, accept me as a person, and tell me the truth when all is said and done.  Someone I can call at 1 a.m. Christmas Eve if you need to.  Someone you share anything and everything with.  I am not referring to my spouse: she is my number one friend that I can share anything with but there are things I don't necessarily want to talk through with her when I am thinking through them because she is more directly involved with the consequences of my actions and has a win/lose position in my choices.

I do need a friend that I can share this kind of relationship with on a regular basis.  I have friends here and there that I can call and talk to about anything.  But they are far from where I live.  One is an hour plus drive from my house and the other will soon be living on the other side of the country.  So that is still someone that I am looking for.

However, whether or not I have an awesome friend there is one that I can trust to help me through and give me the strength and answer that I need regardless of the situation: God. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.  (Proverbs 3:5-6 NCV)

I have found that no matter what I do, no matter what I think makes the most sense, and no matter what other people say to me,  God's way is always the right way.  I have thrown myself against His way for long enough to know that He always knows which way is right.  It may not seem just, or fair, or loving at the time, but His way has always been shown to be the best and most loving way in my life.  He has shown me his mercy and extravagance at the right times.  He has celebrated with me and cherished me.  He has given me blessings and corrections.  He has walked on the "mountaintops" in my life and has walked with me through the "valleys."  I have found that friends always help us through, whether that would be Jesus or someone else that is extra-ordinary.

My Story... (Part 2)

So, continuing my story from last time, I had given my life to Jesus in high school and expected things to change for me.  And a lot of things did!  But all my life previous to that I had learned to look like the "good boy" despite having things about me that would say otherwise.  I had learned to hide the yucky things that I did.

I think that when I was a junior in high school I was on an awesome retreat called Chrysalis.  It was a pretty extreme retreat where we weren't allowed to know what time it was or communicate with anyone outside.  Not for everybody.  On this retreat, we spent some time in prayer and fasting and God surprised me.  He gave me an idea that I was called to become a pastor.  Wow!  Both incredibly cool and wonderfully scary.  I wasn't sure what this meant for me at the time.  I knew I had a lot of work to get done.

In my senior year of high school, I started a Bible study as an official school club.  I was pretty proud of that because I went to a public high school in Seattle and had to prove that that would be okay.  We met regularly all year and the four or five of us that attended together really enjoyed it.  And also this year I applied to SPU for my college education with a degree in Christian Theology.  It seemed like everything was building up to what I needed to do to become a pastor.  But there were some things in my "closet" that still needed the grace of Jesus.

When does a person know that they are saved and headed to Heaven?  When I first consciously gave my life to Christ, prayed the "Prayer" of salvation, I thought that I was prayed and done.  God would make things better for me and I would be living in the comfort of Heaven from then on.  That's how it works, right?  One and done?  The answer was: nope!  False expectations can twist your thinking around in so many directions that you are dizzy like when you step off that carnival ride that spins around and around by the time it's all done.  But what I'd expected from Jesus was a false expectation.

Despite getting married to an absolutely amazing woman, despite going through a tough process and getting ordained in the church, despite having success in my work and my life, I had trouble following me.  I personally fought with an addiction for most of my life: I was addicted to sex.  I can't count the number of times I wanted to be free from it and prayed to God to take that temptation out of my life.  But He didn't.  I thought I was stuck.  I had found ways to indulge myself since I was young.  I had thought that marriage would fix me.  It didn't.  I had thought that becoming ordained would fix me.  It didn't.  I had thought that reading the right books on becoming pure would help.  They didn't.

My problem was that I had expected God to remove the temptation from my life, but instead, He wants us to have the chance to say "yes" or "no" to it.  His strength would enable me to find a way through but I still would have that temptation in my life.  It seems that my answer was a combination of 1 Corinthians 10:13 and James 5:16.  Not only did I need to pray, but I needed to seek the prayers and help of another lover of Christ.  I needed people in my life that I could be honest with.  But I had isolated myself in my shame that I had no one that was keeping me spiritually honest.  So, in the end, I needed to join a sex addicts' group.

What a change I have experienced through this pile of crap I had gathered and piled up in my life and coming out of it with the help of other people!  I learned that living on my own without other Christians in my life meant I was pointed at hell.  Jesus came to this world not only to pay the price for my sins but to start a relationship with me.  Feeling the love of God and sharing that with others means that I have to be a person in the world who has good relationships with real people.  Love is not a feeling, but an action.  I could pray constantly throughout my life, but if I don't love (share the grace and goodness God gives me) the people around me, I gain nothing (1 Cor 13).

So, did that fix me?  No.  I am still a broken person that makes mistakes in the world around me.  But I am a broken person that gets his strength from Christ.  I am a broken person that follows the path that God has put me on.  I am a broken person that is loved by the other broken people around me.  I am a broken person that has the choice to love those around me too.  The point is not that I will get "fixed" but that I will learn to lean on Christ for help in my life.  No matter what I will face or go through in my life.  My relationship with Christ has been growing by leaps and bounds these last several years--and it encourages me to seek to love those around me too.

Yes, that means that though I have faced times of poverty and have no idea where the money to pay bills will come from I still am loved by Christ.  That means that though I have experienced brain cancer and the prospect of a drastically shortened life I am still loved by Christ.  Though I struggle in my relationships to be present and worthwhile I am still loved by Christ.  No matter where what choices I make in my life, I still have the love God gives to me.  And it is through the love I experience from Christ that I can love others.

Difficult Endings: Death. How do I follow God through this?

My Grandma and Grandpa, years ago... :-)

Do you have anyone close to you?  Do you have anyone close to you that is also close to leaving this world?  Dying?  I do.  My grandmother.  Mom's mom.  Grandma.  She has been struggling with cancer for the last several years but has now reached the point where medicine cannot help her anymore.

I visited her yesterday and shared some very precious time with her.  She had been told a few days before by her oncologist that there was nothing left.  That news was so crushing to her.  Crushing for me too.  My Grandma is only a little while from the eternal.  I have been having a hard time normalizing that in my mind.

This woman is almost like a mother to me in my realm of people that I care about.  She's been there when times had been tough for me.  She's been a cheerleader for my best the whole way through.  She constantly asks me questions about what I am doing and what I am planning on doing.  Questions about how I think about this news story or that person in government.  Questions about my favorite sports teams.  She has promised me that if I ever needed physical help or finances that she and Grandpa would be there for me.  I have been able to trust her to be a safe person to listen to me.  And this wonderful woman is leaving now...

I have been thinking about my own needs coming up, and the needs of my family at home and my larger family.  I have been thinking about my Grandpa and how he might react.  The entire time I have been mulling over the future in my mind I have also been praying.  My wife has been awesome too because she knows how important Grandma is to me and she has blessed me.  But I have relied upon the strength that God gives me to make it through.  Heavily.  I cannot point to a scripture and say that "this Bible passage" helps me.  I do think about what I read in II Corinthians 4:16 which says, "So we do not give up.  Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new every day." (NCV)  Paul writes about how all of us wear down over time.  Although I don't like that fact, I can trust it's true.  But our minds are made new by Christ's graceful gift to us.

So what have I been doing?  Something of everything to be honest.  I feel the desire to hide, to share, to pray, to cry, to shout in anger, to expect the worst, and to tremblingly hope.  She is still here and she still is my Grandma.  All I can do otherwise is trust and have faith that God knows what He is doing and will bring her home before too long.  Please pray for her and for those around her.

"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope." -- Princess Leia Organa

Do you recognize this?  Probably.  This is from a movie that I personally LOVE!  Star Wars, Ep 4.  Here Princess Leia is asking for help from Obi-Wan Kenobi for the situation of her planet and the revolution.  It is found with the help of Luke Skywalker who seems to be pretty handy with droids.

Ever feel that you are facing a situation that doesn't seem to have any answer that you can provide?  I know that I have.  Ever feel that there is nothing that you could do to change the situation, but you do not like where you are headed and desperately want out?  I have.  Have you wished that you owned a nice little droid named R2-D2?  I totally have.  😄  That little bot is so awesome and helps the team get out of so many different situations...

But I don't have a helpful R2-D2 rolling around my house.  I have to face problems with that kind of help.  I know that I used to be someone who would Google everything, look it up on YouTube, or find something in the library.  In fact, I still think of those answers first.  I have a personal thought system that makes me want to be "the man" and be the one with all of the answers.  I tremendously struggle asking others for help.  Which is fine if you are trying to build a new chair or paint a room.  But imagine making mistakes with another person.  You said something that was a lie, or misrepresented them, or talked about them behind their back.  I have done all three of those, and more too.  Now imagine facing that person who is asking you if that was true, and the only real answer you can give is, "Yes."  Further, imagine seeing the hurt you have caused them running through their face and all you can think is, "I hurt that person, there is nothing I can do to heal that, and I suck."  Been there.

What do you need here?  A friend that you can trust with deep, intimate ideas--like this conundrum.  I have found that I cannot face life's challenges and pains without someone else.  I can try on my own, and I sure have done that way too many times, but that usually ends up making the situation worse.  The truth though is that I have been most successful when I went to a friend and explained what went on and how I thought and felt about the whole situation.  It helps to have someone who loves you enough to hear your sins and still be there.  I am not specifically referring to a spouse, but they should be that kind of person too.  I am one who finds this kind of help difficult to find, but it is very much like Leia's cry out to Obi-Wan.

'Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so God can heal you. When a believing person prays, great things happen. '
James 5:16 (NCV)

Do you have an Obi-Wan in your life?  If not someone who can wield a light-saber, someone who can listen to you, love you and push back when they need to.  Someone who knows you and shares themselves with you in return.  Someone who will pray with you.  Someone who is a great friend.  If not, time to find an Obi-Wan.

"Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL."

Dave Bowman

HAL

Ever have one of those moments when it seems like everything and everyone are against you?  One of those times when it feels like there is someone out there making things happen and that they might be watching you...  Well in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey the character Dave Bowman was in that particular setting and didn't find that out until he was floating outside the spaceship, locked out by his defective AI computer.  He starts by requesting, "Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL." Which is then followed by HAL's response of, "I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

I know what it feels like to be in that place.  Well, not in the "locked out of a spaceship, floating in space, and need to knock out a defective AI" place exactly.  I have been in that place where you feel like your options are zero and you wonder what else could go wrong.  So what do you do at this point?

You could do any number of things:

1. Find a corner and hide there.
2. Create a racket and let everyone else know of your problems and things you can't do.
3. Belittle those around you and make yourself feel better.
4. Put on your steely gaze and pretend that there is no problem.
5. Jump out of your spaceship with no helmet on (example from 2001...)

Actually, I would personally recommend none of the above.  What we need to do at this point is to surrender ourselves and our problems to God.  We need to be within His embrace as we move forward.  I have found that often the answer is not so much what do we do, but who do we cling to?  There is such a warmth and peace present in God's presence.  There is a feeling that no matter what happens next, I am being watched over by the Father, in the grace of the Son, and will go forward through the power of the Holy Spirit.

This isn't a form of hiding or fighting.  It is a recognition that whatever will come next, will need to be faced in the arms of God.  Whether God moves me to hide, fight, flee, or dance and praise His name I need His power to do that.  I can (and have, far too frequently) tried to step out on my own.  The phrase, "I got this..." ran through my mind each time.  What goes through your mind when you are in this situation?  How often has it ended out worse than better?  For me, it ended in greater pain and trouble than I started with.  But is changed when I accepted that I need God in everything.  Everything.  What about you?

I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength.  Philippians 4:13 (NCV)

“I know that you can do all things and that no plan of yours can be ruined."  Job 42:2 (NCV)

He prayed, “Abba, Father! You can do all things. Take away this cup of suffering. But do what you want, not what I want.”  Mark 14:36 (NCV)

"God, I am here today and I need you.  Come to my side right now and let me know that you are here.  Be with me and share your voice and peace as I wonder and fear and hurt and want to lash out.  I don't know what to do, but you do.  Please help me to do what I should and not what feels comfortable to me.  I rely on you, utterly and ultimately.  Amen."

"Houston, we've had a problem..."

How many people can hear those words said aloud when we the read "Houston, we have a problem."?  I know that I do.  I can still see Tom Hanks' face as he says those words playing the role of James Lowell in the movie "Apollo 13."  People a little more mature than I am might even remember Jack Swigert saying similar words (repeated by Lowell) on the real flight of Apollo 13.  So, why am I thinking about these today?  The movie happened in 1995 and the real Apollo 13 happened in 1970.  What I have been thinking about is that these words are true for all of us. 

All of us at some point in our lives have just thrown up our hands and say those special words, "I have a problem." Yes, we all have, every single one of us.  What we wish though is to be able to call some sort of helpline and get things sorted out.  At least I have.  However, that is something that I have come to see as something I don't want.

Now you must be thinking to yourself, "Why? Why wouldn't he want a way out of trouble?"  The truth is that I do want a way out.  But I have found that God has allowed me into trouble for two reasons.  One -- so that I learn to reach out and ask Him and those around me for help.  Two -- for His glory, so that I can show his glory and majesty to those around me and so He can teach me how to lean in on Him. 

The first reason has been a big part of my spiritual growth recently.  I used to be the kind of person who would always (and I mean ALWAYS) believed that I could take anything on and handle it myself.  I viewed myself as a jack-of-all-trades, as a renaissance man, and as a person that if I didn't know it now, I would in like 30 seconds.  Truth is that I feared to reach out to another person and admit that I could NOT do something.  So I never did.  And that's part of why I made choices that led me down a dark path.  Yet God did not create us to live lives alone, without other people.  In fact, the definition of love includes being able to do something for someone else and being loved means that you let others do things for you.  But after hitting the bottom of isolating myself I soon found out how important it is to live with other people--in ALL the areas of my life.

The second reason has been a more difficult thing for me to handle and accept.  I totally get the idea of asking God for help so that I can get out of a difficult situation.  But what if the answer God gives me is, "Wait."?  I have received that answer far too often for my comfort.  What if the answer means that I will have to lose something--or someone?  What if the answer is that by my pain and suffering means someone else finds healing in God?  The truth I have seen is that we will always encounter trouble.  We need it to grow.  We encounter it because of our bad choices.  It is inflicted upon us by people who harbor hate in their hearts.  Sometimes I have found trouble entering into my life because I have been doing great in my faith in Jesus.

'The only temptation that has come to you is that which everyone has. But you can trust God, who will not permit you to be tempted more than you can stand. But when you are tempted, he will also give you a way to escape so that you will be able to stand it.' 1 Corinthians 10:13 (NCV)

 This piece of scripture tells me that temptation and suffering is common to us all.  The exact way it troubles us may differ.  It also assures me that God provides a way out of it for all of us.

'We believe with our hearts, and so we are made right with God. And we declare with our mouths that we believe, and so we are saved. As the Scripture says, “Anyone who trusts in him will never be disappointed.” That Scripture says “anyone” because there is no difference between those who are Jews and those who are not. The same Lord is the Lord of all and gives many blessings to all who trust in him, as the Scripture says, “Anyone who calls on the Lord will be saved.”'  Romans 10:10-13 (NCV)

I have found that the word "saved" can mean several different things.  It can mean having everything as I want it.  But it can also mean being saved from danger in ways I couldn't have ever imagined.  In fact, it always seems to come up more like the latter.  How I get saved also changes from time to time.  But the one thing that I have found through this is the fact that God's overwhelming power, enwrapping love, and all-knowing mind cares for me (and you!) and desires that in all things I seek Him, talk to Him, and be with Him.  So even if I am in a "Houston, I have a problem" situation I know that He will get me through and that my value is based on that rather than on what I can or can't do.

Psalm 51: Responsibility and God

Have you ever had a bad day?  Not just a, "Got up on the wrong side of the bed," kind of day but one that truly sucks?  I know I have--many times.  Some have been health-related, out of my control, days.  Like the day I ended up rolling over in a Honda Civic three times with four other guys and survived.  Or the day where I was diagnosed with cancer and spent many, many, many days dealing with and healing from that close-to-death disease.  But none of those days left me with shame like the ones caused by my own decisions and choices.

What do I mean?  When I read through Paul's first letter to Timothy and read these words:

15 What I say is true, and you should fully accept it: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst. 16 But I was given mercy so that in me, the worst of all sinners, Christ Jesus could show that he has patience without limit. His patience with me made me an example for those who would believe in him and have life forever.  (1 Tim 1:15-16 NCV)

Those words really struck a chord in my soul as I read them.  They were written by Paul who was considered to be one of the top leaders in the developing church and yet he still considered himself to be the worst of all sinners--and therefore greatly blessed by God's grace.  I too have felt myself to be someone who has sinned greatly in my life.  There have been many times in my life where I asked myself the question, "Should I do God's work today? Because I just did..." and would go ahead and do it but feeling increased guilt and shame as I did.

Then I heard from someone that God is bigger than we are.  I can't remember his name but I have been greatly affected by that statement.  God is bigger than my mistakes.  God can truly take everything I've done (sinful or not) and work that into the story of His grace for me.  I can take the prayer of King David found in Psalms 51:5-12 (NCV)

⁵ I was brought into this world in sin.
    In sin my mother gave birth to me.

⁶ You want me to be completely truthful,
    so teach me wisdom.
⁷ Take away my sin, and I will be clean.
    Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
⁸ Make me hear sounds of joy and gladness;
    let the bones you crushed be happy again.
⁹ Turn your face from my sins
    and wipe out all my guilt.

¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, God,
    and make my spirit right again.
¹¹ Do not send me away from you
    or take your Holy Spirit away from me.
¹² Give me back the joy of your salvation.
    Keep me strong by giving me a willing spirit.

One of the things that made David a "Man of God" was how willing he was to turn and change when God called him to do that.  He took responsibility for his mistakes. He did not blame others or the situation.  He was by no means a sinless man, but he understood that he had a relationship with the Creator and Redeemer.  I have a model in Scripture that is not perfect, yet still longs for his Savior and wants to work his life in the ways of God.  That's what I want to do too.

I found this picture when doing some research on this blog.  Enjoy!

( I found it here: http://derekbruff.org/blogs/sketchnotes/2017/02/26/passion-psalm-51/ and he has awesome others to check out too!)

Are we truly free, or are we not?

Freedom!
When I hear this word I get an image in my mind from the movie Braveheart, where William Wallace is encouraging his side and yells, "Freedom!!!"  Where in my own life do I have a desire for freedom?  And what is freedom?

Freedom is: noun

1. the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint: "He won his freedom after a retrial."
2. exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc.
3. the power to determine action without restraint
4. political or national independence.
5. personal liberty, as opposed to bondage or slavery: "a slave who bought his freedom."

There are times when I feel like there is an enemy and that I am the target of all his attacks.  Whether or not that is true, I long for this feeling of freedom.  But what do I want freedom from?

I want freedom from:

• Pain/suffering
  
• Slavery
• Addiction
• Oppression
• Sexuality
• Cruelty
• Boredom
• Politics
• Self
• Others
• Emotions
• Technology
• The "MAN"
• Religion
• Body/Image
• Gossip/Criticism
• Government
• Too much to do
• Etc...

What am I really asking to be saved from?  What do I really want to be free of?  It seems complicated at first but the truth for me is that I want the freedom to do what I want when and where I want to do it.  But the truth is that we are never truly free.  My actions have consequences.  There is a cost for the things I choose to do, because with every "yes" there are a bunch of "no"s. Sometimes, when I am crying for "freedom," I am asking for there to not be consequences for my actions.  

So what?  There are situations that people these days still desperately need freedom from.  Are they crying needlessly?  No.  There are things that we can do to help them (and ourselves) from oppression.  Important things.  Things that we need to do.  But the greatest source of true freedom that I have ever found is Jesus Christ.  He loves me (and you too) and has worked to free me from the ultimate consequence: death, eternal death.  You see, our lack of freedom in the world ultimately stems from harms derived from a person's sins.  It could be our own sin or that of someone else.  Sin is where we "miss the mark," much like missing the target when shooting an arrow from a bow.  It could cause unintentional pain, or it could have done that because I wanted it to.  But it harms people, it harms me, and it harms Jesus as he took the consequences for it himself.

I don't really know how to explain how that works.  But I have faith that it is true. However, what does that have to do with what I said earlier?  There are ultimately two sides, led by two great sources.  Your choices will determine which one rules your life.  I have found that God's ways are always the best--even when it doesn't make sense in the right now.  The other source is calling me to try to please myself, try to put myself first in everything.  That doesn't seem to be bad, right?  But if I am the center of my own universe the other people in the world are just there to please me.  Does it work though if I am doing that, you are doing that, and we all seek our own selves first?  What that does is lead to envy, strife, hate, anger, fear, and aloneness as you sink further and further away from other people.

"5 Those who live following their sinful selves think only about things that their sinful selves want. But those who live following the Spirit are thinking about the things the Spirit wants them to do. 6 If people’s thinking is controlled by the sinful self, there is death. But if their thinking is controlled by the Spirit, there is life and peace. 7 When people’s thinking is controlled by the sinful self, they are against God, because they refuse to obey God’s law and really are not even able to obey God’s law. 8 Those people who are ruled by their sinful selves cannot please God.
9 But you are not ruled by your sinful selves. You are ruled by the Spirit, if that Spirit of God really lives in you. But the person who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to Christ. 10 Your body will always be dead because of sin. But if Christ is in you, then the Spirit gives you life, because Christ made you right with God."  

Romans 8:5-10 (NIV)

For me, my life was headed towards death.  I thought that I was going to be okay because I had said the prayer where I told God I was a sinner and needed Him in my life.  But my actions were stating that I didn't truly believe that.  So instead I continued my sin and tried to lead others to God.  If I had continued my sin I truly would have died and created a bigger hole in the lives of my family than I already had.  I found out that I truly needed a relationship with other Christians and a real relationship with Jesus. Like when I had first prayed that prayer.  I was hopeless. Stuck.  What I needed was freedom and could only get that from Jesus.  I needed to shift who I was putting in the center of my universe.  No more me.  It needed to be Jesus.  I have been glad since then because since I have found a relationship with Jesus I have never been closer to Him than I am right now. Am I perfect?  No.  Do I still sin?  Yes.  Am I finding a difference in my life?  Absolutely, and the Holy Spirit is working on who I am as I learn to be more open and intimate with Him.  Freedom?  Yes, most definitely!  From what I thought I wanted?  No.  But freedom from sin and a relationship with someone greater than I could ever imagine is what I have gained.