Why did I get sick???

I just came back to work after being sick this last weekend.  It was not fun.  I was fairly tired all the time, and queasy, and just wanted to wrap up in warm blankets and go to sleep.  Today I'm still a little sick, but I am trying my best to power through and be productive.  I don't feel good.

So I asked myself this question, "Why would a loving God let me be sick?"  Isn't that a question that we all have from time to time? Often if someone we know is sick--especially when they are REALLY sick.  I am reminded of the Bible verse that says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Phil 4:13)."  So if this is true, why can't I get better?  Or, in my mind, better now rather than later.  Even if I have others pray for me (see James 5:16) I don't always get better in the way I visualize.  So why does God let me be sick?

I have read through the Bible several times over these last many years that I have been in a relationship with Jesus.  I have read many different places where God has allowed people to be sick.  Some were sick because of their choices.  Some were sick because God wanted to glorify Himself through healing them.  Some were sick because it kept them humble.  Some we just don't know why they were sick.

Often we cannot tell why we were sick at a certain time or in a certain place.  I was very sick several

My family and I at the Run of Hope, a
5k designed to raise money to fight brain
cancer in kids.

years ago.  I was diagnosed with cancer.  There are several ways that I am still recovering from that sickness.  And its a burden because the kind of cancer I have does not get "fixed," it just "goes to sleep" and will reappear sometime in the future.  Why did God let me go through that?  Why did that pain and suffering also need to be inflicted on my wife and kids?  For a significant amount of time, it changed how my family interacted and created several things that have been very difficult for me to accept and some that were extremely frustrating for me.

So why?  I still don't know today.  I have heard and spoke with several people who have had cancer, or knew someone close who struggled with cancer.  It may have been related to poor choices I had made in my past.  It may be something God gave me to really humble myself and accept the help of other people in my life--something I desperately needed to learn at the time.  I also ask myself quite often, "Why did I survive this very difficult form of cancer and others fail?"  The truth is that I don't know.  It could be any, or all of, or none of the possibilities listed above.

There is a piece of Scripture that gives me some peace in my heart:

"7 So that I would not become too proud of the wonderful things that were shown to me, a painful physical problem[b] was given to me. This problem was a messenger from Satan, sent to beat me and keep me from being too proud. 8 I begged the Lord three times to take this problem away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.” So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ’s power can live in me. 10 For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong."  2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NCV)

Paul was a servant of the Lord that did many mighty deeds through the power Christ gave him, and he still became ill and God wouldn't heal him of that affliction.  Despite all the churches he started, despite all the prayers he prayed and people he healed, God did not heal him.  The encouraging line in this passage is "When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you." I have come to value the times where I struggle and need to rely on the strength of God to make it through.  I won't say that they were fun times.  But they were times of growth for me, and a pattern of faith I can show other people.

So will I ever know the answer to why was I sick?  Probably not.  Am I okay with that?  Yes, because my God's power is made perfect in my weaknesses.

Are we truly free, or are we not?

Freedom!
When I hear this word I get an image in my mind from the movie Braveheart, where William Wallace is encouraging his side and yells, "Freedom!!!"  Where in my own life do I have a desire for freedom?  And what is freedom?

Freedom is: noun

1. the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint: "He won his freedom after a retrial."
2. exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc.
3. the power to determine action without restraint
4. political or national independence.
5. personal liberty, as opposed to bondage or slavery: "a slave who bought his freedom."

There are times when I feel like there is an enemy and that I am the target of all his attacks.  Whether or not that is true, I long for this feeling of freedom.  But what do I want freedom from?

I want freedom from:

• Pain/suffering
  
• Slavery
• Addiction
• Oppression
• Sexuality
• Cruelty
• Boredom
• Politics
• Self
• Others
• Emotions
• Technology
• The "MAN"
• Religion
• Body/Image
• Gossip/Criticism
• Government
• Too much to do
• Etc...

What am I really asking to be saved from?  What do I really want to be free of?  It seems complicated at first but the truth for me is that I want the freedom to do what I want when and where I want to do it.  But the truth is that we are never truly free.  My actions have consequences.  There is a cost for the things I choose to do, because with every "yes" there are a bunch of "no"s. Sometimes, when I am crying for "freedom," I am asking for there to not be consequences for my actions.  

So what?  There are situations that people these days still desperately need freedom from.  Are they crying needlessly?  No.  There are things that we can do to help them (and ourselves) from oppression.  Important things.  Things that we need to do.  But the greatest source of true freedom that I have ever found is Jesus Christ.  He loves me (and you too) and has worked to free me from the ultimate consequence: death, eternal death.  You see, our lack of freedom in the world ultimately stems from harms derived from a person's sins.  It could be our own sin or that of someone else.  Sin is where we "miss the mark," much like missing the target when shooting an arrow from a bow.  It could cause unintentional pain, or it could have done that because I wanted it to.  But it harms people, it harms me, and it harms Jesus as he took the consequences for it himself.

I don't really know how to explain how that works.  But I have faith that it is true. However, what does that have to do with what I said earlier?  There are ultimately two sides, led by two great sources.  Your choices will determine which one rules your life.  I have found that God's ways are always the best--even when it doesn't make sense in the right now.  The other source is calling me to try to please myself, try to put myself first in everything.  That doesn't seem to be bad, right?  But if I am the center of my own universe the other people in the world are just there to please me.  Does it work though if I am doing that, you are doing that, and we all seek our own selves first?  What that does is lead to envy, strife, hate, anger, fear, and aloneness as you sink further and further away from other people.

"5 Those who live following their sinful selves think only about things that their sinful selves want. But those who live following the Spirit are thinking about the things the Spirit wants them to do. 6 If people’s thinking is controlled by the sinful self, there is death. But if their thinking is controlled by the Spirit, there is life and peace. 7 When people’s thinking is controlled by the sinful self, they are against God, because they refuse to obey God’s law and really are not even able to obey God’s law. 8 Those people who are ruled by their sinful selves cannot please God.
9 But you are not ruled by your sinful selves. You are ruled by the Spirit, if that Spirit of God really lives in you. But the person who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to Christ. 10 Your body will always be dead because of sin. But if Christ is in you, then the Spirit gives you life, because Christ made you right with God."  

Romans 8:5-10 (NIV)

For me, my life was headed towards death.  I thought that I was going to be okay because I had said the prayer where I told God I was a sinner and needed Him in my life.  But my actions were stating that I didn't truly believe that.  So instead I continued my sin and tried to lead others to God.  If I had continued my sin I truly would have died and created a bigger hole in the lives of my family than I already had.  I found out that I truly needed a relationship with other Christians and a real relationship with Jesus. Like when I had first prayed that prayer.  I was hopeless. Stuck.  What I needed was freedom and could only get that from Jesus.  I needed to shift who I was putting in the center of my universe.  No more me.  It needed to be Jesus.  I have been glad since then because since I have found a relationship with Jesus I have never been closer to Him than I am right now. Am I perfect?  No.  Do I still sin?  Yes.  Am I finding a difference in my life?  Absolutely, and the Holy Spirit is working on who I am as I learn to be more open and intimate with Him.  Freedom?  Yes, most definitely!  From what I thought I wanted?  No.  But freedom from sin and a relationship with someone greater than I could ever imagine is what I have gained.

Centering Prayer...a hug from God?

Centering Prayer?

I've been reading a book called Sacred Pathways written by Gary Thomas and have thoroughly enjoyed it.  Here is a quote of one of the things I have enjoyed from his book:

"The purpose of centering prayer is not to cultivate feelings or create a 'spiritual experience'; it  is sumply to rest in and enjoy the blessed presence of God.  For those who question this, we need merely to look to the human example.  The deepest kind of love is often that wich allows you to rest in another's presence with out saying or doing anything, just enjoy being together.  If a husband can feel this way with his wife, or a sister with her sibling, or a mother with her infant, why can't Christians enjoy this with the God?"  (p. 199) 

What I've enjoyed is how he has gone through different styles of how we worship the Lord.  We each have certain ways and things that draw us closer to God and he goes through each one.  I found this quote in the chapter on "Contemplatives."  I really enjoyed how he connected this with the human experience.  When he wrote the part about the parent with a child I totally pictured myself cuddling my youngest daughter this morning and simply enjoying being there with her.  Nothing else on my mind but enjoying our presence together.  Then I connected that situation with God and imagined how amazing that is to be in that place.

In truth, centering prayer is not something that you do.  It's more of something you don't do.  You stay focused on God and use words to redirect yourself back to Him.  I know that my own mind races too fast to control at times--especially when I need to focus on something specific.  It's like that moment in the movie "Up" where the group of dogs see a squirrel and totally lose track of their conversation.  We use the word to bring us back to the focus on God's presence because that is why we're praying this way: to simply enjoy the presence of our God, our Lord, our Creator, our Savior, our Spirit.  We are simply seeking to be in His presence and allow Him to speak to us and guide our prayers.

It's like seeking a big, warm hug from our Father in Heaven.  He created us.  He planned for us.  He loves us.  Like his kiddos, we can seek to be in his presence and just enjoy that.

Best friends can hug...

Little kids can hug...

Father and son can hug...

Even monkies can hug!

 Let's go get a hug!

Peace!

 I remember waaaaaaaay back to my days in school.  Specifically, elementary school.  What I remember is that they told us to use the sign on the right side of this blog to be quiet.  They told us it meant we needed to be quiet.  If we weren't quiet they would come up and be more forceful and less polite as they asked us to be quiet.  Seemed at odds with what the sign meant even more years back.  In fact, when I was younger, seeing those pictures I wondered why they were always telling people to be quiet.  When I was older I found out that it was actually the peace sign that you could take with you.  Wow, huh?

Peace, what does it mean to you?  I know that over the years it has meant different things.  To someone in the time of Edgar Allen Poe, it meant to be calm and quiet.  To those in the 60's, it was part of a movement which wanted the wars to stop and people to be nice to one another (hence the hand and circle signs).  To us, it means different things even today.  So, what does "peace" mean to you?

My own definition of peace has changed over the years.  It started as being a boring time where I wasn't supposed to do anything or to speak.  Later I thought of it as some sort of hippy nonsense that didn't mean anything in today's world.  When I was older and working I wanted "peace" to fall over those gathered with me and so that they'd quiet down.  Most recently I have had a fundamental shift as to its meaning in my life.

For me now, peace is not something that I can make or give.  It is a certainty that God has a great love for me and that he has things planned out, all I need to do is trust Him the best that I can.  Peace is a calming, overwhelming sense of security, regardless of what is going on or happening.  Peace is knowing that whatever I face, God wins (and through my relationship with Him so do I).  It is awesome to experience that kind of peace.  It is something that no person, city, government, or country can truly provide.  It is only available through God and your relationship with Him.  I have thought that peace was just an emotion or an action to complete. I am glad that it comes from God through Jesus' self-sacrifice empowered by the Holy Spirit.  God keep me in your peace.

Philippians 4:6-7
 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

How do I become better?

 We all want to be better than we are today.  Deep down there is always something that we can pick out of who we are and want to be better there.  We want this so much that slogans like:

"Training to be better...Just read Scripture!"

How to be "Good, better, best..."

"I'm better than before..."  Etc....

Tend to prick our brains and we at least are interested.  But! Are we seeking to be "Better Christians" Or have a better relationship with Christ"?

Question: Why do you want to be better?  So you can feel better about yourself, or so you can experience life more fully?  Is there guilt or shame tied to this question for you? Are you in competition with someone?  Do you feel lost and don't know who you are?  You feel that you are set free by the grace of God and want to be better because of that?  Why do you want to be better?

I know that we all want to be better than we are.  I also know (from personal experience) that we want to be better for a variety of reasons--often all at the same time!  I know that I want to be better because I am afraid of losing what is important to me.  I want to be better because it may end strife and difficult conversations between myself and others.  I want to be better than "that guy" because I feel competitive.  I want to be better because I want good things to give to my loved ones.  I want to be better because Jesus has made me clean of my sins and I want to live up to that.

Who doesn't want that?

But my motivation changes how and why I seek to be made better.

16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.  2 Timothy 3:16-17 (NIV)

Here are what some of the terms used in that scripture mean:

• Teach: show or explain to (someone) how to do something.
• Rebuke: sharp, stern disapproval; reproof; reprimand.
• Correct: 1) (adj) free from error; in accordance with fact or truth. 2) (verb) put right (an error or fault).
• Training: the action of teaching a person or animal a particular skill or type of behavior.

Each of those terms is about change.  Basically, it means that God has inspired Scripture to change us.  But who is it supposed to change? Strangers?  Sinners?  Wayward people?  No.  Scripture was not inspired by God so that we can stand on a street corner yelling at people to change their lives over to Jesus.  It is intended to change us, the believer.  We can and should use scripture to help us as we talk with other people about our faith.  But it is intended to be read and used by us so that we know some things about God.  It tells who God is.  It shows us what God wants us to do.  It teaches us how God has acted toward humanity in the past.  It was created to develop a relationship with Him. All the things listed above are intended for those who already love Him.

So when we read Scripture, we are reading what God has written to us.  Sometimes like a love note, sometimes like a history, always an explanation for us to pray with and think over and learn to apply to ourselves.  When I wonder what I need to be doing, I know that one thing I need to do is go read the Bible.

Want to become better with me?

Running for the Lord...Yeah!

Running is something that I remember being very fun!  I ran Cross Country and Track in high school and enjoyed the conversations I had with others during workouts.  I remember the challenge that the meets would bring and working hard to overcome them.  I remember working as a team on the relay race and striving hard with others to win.  I would say that running was very satisfying overall.

So imagine my surprise a number of years ago when I was reading the Bible and saw the part where Paul talked about people running.

"You know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize. So run to win! All those who compete in the games use self-control so they can win a crown. That crown is an earthly thing that lasts only a short time, but our crown will never be destroyed. So I do not run without a goal. I fight like a boxer who is hitting something—not just the air. I treat my body hard and make it my slave so that I myself will not be disqualified after I have preached to others." 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 https://www.bible.com/bible/105/1CO.9.24-27

"You know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize. So run to win! All those who compete in the games use self-control so they can win a crown. That crown is an earthly thing that lasts only a short time, but our crown will never be destroyed. So I do not run without a goal. I fight like a boxer who is hitting something—not just the air. I treat my body hard and make it my slave so that I myself will not be disqualified after I have preached to others." 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 NCV

Reading this passage reminded me of all the time I'd spent running and the satisfaction I received from it.  At the time I was still quite proud of my abilities as a runner and so automatically equated that with my faith (rather than looking at my faith and using running as an encouragement or measure).  Later I was to find out that I had been thinking about it in the wrong direction.

When you train for something it is easy to think of the things that you "DO" in order to get ready.  But even with all the "DOs" that are available, we have to also think of the "DON'Ts"  Just as a runner needs to do certain exercises to build muscle, there are certain things that they shouldn't so as well.  Like, eat nothing but junk food.

So looking at my faith through the lens of running there is a word that comes to my mind: discipline.  Which freaked me out a little at first.  The first question that came to my mind was, "Didn't Jesus die so that I don't have to pay attention to the 'rules'?"  What I wasn't looking for were more rules to follow in my life.  I'd failed there too many times.  But I found out that that wasn't what God wanted for me either.  He wanted me to discipline my self.  Discipline can be explained as an "activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training."  He wanted me to learn the things that help change who I think I am into the person that He created me to be.

One of the disciplines that I had to learn was making excuses to justify where I was or what I had just done.  In fact, I had done it so much, so frequently, so automatically, that I didn't even realize most of the time that I was doing it.  Today, I had been reading a devotional and came across this statement:

"Shedding excuses is a discipline that must be practiced with our thoughts, communication, and actions. There is only room for language that declares: I will! Growth occurs when we confront our personal experiences and how they’ve changed us."  Ref.

One of the cool things about loving Jesus is the fact that he erases the troubles of our past.  So despite the past I've lived, I can have a brand-new start in life!  How awesome is that?  But one of the challenges of this is the fact that I have trained myself over the years to respond to things in certain ways.  Like making excuses for myself.

What I've learned about things like excuse-making is that you have to add these to your life with God.  I need to confess that I keep trying to go back to the old ways.  I've asked Him to remove these things from my way of acting and my life, and I have to keep myself in that place or they will sneak back in.  It's like snacking on high-sugar snacks--they only disrupt my energy production and make me fat.  Tough situation for a runner.   Tough situation for my relationship with God who wants to see me change and grow.  It is not easy, but necessary.  It needs a focus as well, so I will "fight like a boxer who is hitting something—not just the air (v.26b)."

So here is my goal: to train as a runner would in my faith in Jesus.  It will require me to do certain things and to not do others.  I am not doing this to follow rules, but instead to be fit as I can be as I run this race of life.  I will fall and fail--but I have the Holy Spirit there to pick me up and run with me as well!  So, I am now running for the Lord!  Yeah!